I still miss you

Tim,

It has been a month since we talked. I can’t call you on the phone anymore, so we can talk about whatever. I don’t know if you can here me in my thoughts, maybe you can read this if you can’t here my thoughts.

I miss you terribly. I am driving myself crazy, wanting to pick up the phone and calling you, then realizing, you are not there to pick up the phone. I am still having a hard time with this. I don’t think I have come to terms with your passing. Don’t know if I ever will. I have talked to your Mom on the phone a few times, as nice as that is, it’ still not you.

As tough as it was to see you, in that room, for the first time, since you left Vegas. I would not have missed it for the world. You of all people, should have known, that once I made up my mind to do something, not even you could stop me, especially with something that was so important to me.  Though you tried to keep me in the dark as to what was really happening with you, cause you knew, I would come up and see you, and you knew I had some things going on here, and my absence from it, would not have been the best move. Even, to the extent, through some way, you tried to keep me from getting there when I was on my way to see you. Could have been circumstance or maybe you didn’t want me to see what the last 4 months really did to you. Yes, it was bit shocking. But you know… I love you Man.. and no matter what physical appearance you took would have only strengthened my resolve to help you. Maybe you only wanted to hear my voice on the other end of the phone, to talk in the way we always talked, you know the way we always made each other smile and laugh. I love those times too. I will miss those times for a long time to come.

If you had anything to do with it - Thank you for allowing me to be one of your paulbearers and to speak at your memorial. I was honered to be a part of that. You know, it was cool to finally meet all those people, your fiends and family,  I have heard so much about. You know what was just as cool?….. hearing stories from your Mom and Dad, about things that you and I did together over the years. Take the drag races for instance. I had no idea how important that was to you, and how much fun you had. Even in the “friggin Hot” Las Vegas heat. I had a great time too. You know, when you stayed here with me, I loved you being here. You helped me have fun. We played games, we went and did things, or just stayed home and watched tv. I really liked all those times, sitting on the swing, just chillen, and talking about our fears, desires, or what have you. You could see it tore me up each time you had to leave and go home.  I didn’t want you to leave. Deep down, I felt I would never see you again.

I get the sense you are trying to tell me something - there is this recurring thought that keeps running through my head. I could here the excitement in your voice when I told you , Laurie and I were thinking of moving up that way again. We are still thinking about it, and most likely we will. Just don’t know when yet.

Tim - I miss you.

Love

Rusty

I’ll write more later.